FREE Home & Kids

Free 4 bedroom home, husband & kids.

1 senile cat and 3 parakeets.

Current CEO leaving due to general lack of consideration,no vacation time, and being unable to pee or shower in peace at least once a day. New management should enjoy piles of cruddy dishes, mounds of scuzzy laundry, teenage cat fights, toddler cat fights, pissy toilet seats, toilet seats left up, and empty toilet paper holders.

Must enjoy teenage boy's armpit and foot funk & filthy rooms as well as monthly PMS and death threats from a 13 year old girl who will also castrate/disembowel you in your sleep for various unknown offenses.

Must have wonderful people skills to deal with various DCF workers and school staff calling to ask why your child is claiming you beat and starve them,asking why your son arrived at school with no socks on,or why your 2 year old was running naked on the sidewalk with a swiffer mop.

Must love MTV and Nickelodeon.

Must not love beauty or fashion. Walmart clothes and a raggedy ponytail must suffice.

Must not love any money of any kind. After the bills, the children will gut you like a fish.

Must love old cats that get the runs all over house after being given a whole bowl of milk,which I can assure you will happen at least once a day (nobody will fess up).

Must love Rhinovirus and head lice. Especially Rhinovirus. Every week.

Applicants can just show up at the door after kissing their youth and sanity goodbye, as I did.

References not needed as you would be criminally insane to want this position. Strong background in zookeeping a plus. Prefer female,as there is a husband involved, but at this point I could care less. That's between you and him.

Leave me an email. I am currently driving, screaming maniacally down the road until I run out of gas. Then I will enter the witness protection program.